My Truth.

I have been trapped by dogma. Trying too hard to fit in spaces not meant for me. Muffling my harmony with others’ melodies. I have silenced the truest parts of me in fear that there is just not enough space for my heart in this world. Too deep, too soft, too intense, too much, too extra. For who? I wonder. I have lived from the external in. Trying to make candid projections of myself not realising that reflections can only be as honest as the subject they are mirroring. Reflections can only be as honest as I, in deed, live. I have subjected my truths to commas and semi colons when they really are fullstops, complete in and of themselves. I have used flowery language to disguise the weeds that exist within the spaces between my words. I have eaten less than my share of the pie under the illusion that I must leave much more for those ‘more deserving’ forgetting that everyone has their own. I have mitigated my utter exuberance for life with others’ choices to live in cynicism. I preach “walk in your truth” but practice ‘so long as it is in agreement with the world’. I preach “my life is bigger than my mind” but hide from what earth has me here to do. I preach “honesty” but practice ‘not like that’. I forget that there is only one way to be honest. Damn. You really can be living in the periphery of your life and not even realise it. Call unsettlement but really, it is just your spirit waiting to be honoured.  Plenty of times I want to express my love but instead, think,  have I proven it enough? Have my human limitations got in the way of that? So I say nothing. Forgetting that I can be human and learn to love, love and be loved –all at the same time. Having so much to speak on but instead saying…nothing. Every single time I do not honour myself in expression, I am left with regret. Not everyone whose ideas and perceptions I am trying to cater to but I. I am the one left to wade through the dust of guilt. Me. How empowering.  I now know that I can listen to others without compromising my own voice. No one knows me like I do. No one has my back like I do. No one knows what is best for me, more than I do. I have been afraid of people knowing my truth; afraid that if they did I’d be giving my power away. I now rest firmly in the truth that is this: my power comes from being who I am and that is mine to keep. Vulnerability comes with that part of me that is an artist, and it is my responsibility to set the boundaries within which it lies. I no longer need confirmation of my God-ordained gifts.  I have shared my soul with people who lack the prowess as to how to observe it. I have called some friends who are not deserving of this title. Even then, I have no regrets; just lessons and blessings. I realise the value in cultivating spaces with people who get it. I have learnt to lace my optimism with caution, when letting people in.  I am not for everyone. I am not for everyone. I am not for everyone. I knew that, but from a defensive point of view. Now, it is from a genuine point of awe. I do not need to defend what speaks for itself. What is already validated. I have been trapped by systems of scarcity and competition. Thinking that being who I am in totality is a competition for space. What lies I have believed. What damage I am undoing. I now know that my right to express my thoughts, feelings and creativity has nothing to do with others’ rights to do the same. Expression is a very personal thing. I know that mine is capable of igniting freedom fires with the personal revolutions it inspires. I am living confirmation. I have been afraid of conflict. I love peace. I thrive on cultivating peace. But who ever taught me that being myself was as an interruption of peace? I am not interested in pursuing fake world-conditioned tranquility. I want to live in true oneness of heart, mind, body and soul. I have allowed my past experiences to disparage me when I should only be thanking them for bringing me here today. I have been trapped by systems of perfection. What a crazy way to live given that nothing could ever change the fact that I am human. Imperfect. Flawed. Rather than recognise the beauty in my flaws I have masked them. In masking them, I have masked my strengths. In masking them, I have masked myself. I am not strong without being weak.  I am not wise without occasional foolishness. I am not beautiful without scars. I am not me without me. When did I forget that? Did I ever know? I have thought myself incapable out of sheer and deluded comparison. I must be a magician–to be comparing myself to what does not exist. I have thought myself not intelligent enough–because I see souls before I see minds. bodies. clothes. shoes. matter. I now know just how brilliant I truly am. I have thought myself powerless–because I have hit dead ends trying to understand this world. I now know that real power rests in understanding myself. I am tired of shying away from my actual reason for being. Exhausted from giving into the fear that I will be rejected. It is clear that rejection can only come from those not meant to be in my life and honestly? If rejection is the ticket then I am glad that they are on the next flight out of my greatness. I am no longer keen on immersing myself in feigned spaces, with insincere people.  I was afraid of my words. That they do not do what I intend them to do. I now realise that the only hearts they do not touch are the hearts not meant to hear them. Nonetheless, they do so much for me. They are fulfilling their intentions, I just had not realised it. In the process, I have learnt the importance of backing my words with action. I write as a form of self care. I write publicly in communication with the universe and by extension, others. I write in honour of my presence. My heart has ached with truth for so long. I have hidden, sought out the smallest of crevices to squeeze my spirit into and failed. There is no space big enough. I thought that I needed to visit new sights, but it is now clear that what I have needed is new vision. I am ready to introduce myself to the world. I am here. I am here to change the world. I am here to shake things up.  I am here to create all the spaces I have felt missing for years. Yes, the bridge between knowing and consistently being is long winded and unsteady but I am on the path is what matters. I have always felt that I had something to prove. Explanations to give for why I am who I am. Apologies to make. I have packed all the lies up and let them drop. I finally see wings, steady growing. The baggage I have been carrying around all this time hasn’t been the fear of or past hurt, disappointment and rejection. It has been my abandonment of self. All the things I thought would make my soul too heavy to carry are the places that have cradled my freedom. I have been afraid of being dubbed cheesy. But what is wrong with cheese? I love cheese. More than that, I am so much more than cheese. Anyone who denies themselves the pleasure of seeing what makes this cheese so divine has never been my burden to carry. I see souls. So naturally, I will go deeper than most. That is my space to fill on the planet. That is my superpower. I feel deeply. I am learning to see the good in that. My skin truly feels new today. It feels good. I have been missing out on all this splendour. I know I will have off days, low moments, disappointing episodes, do wrong-but these do not change or define who I am. They inform my elevation. When I am the cause of disappointment, I know myself enough to understand my actions and foster necessary changes. I have learnt that there is value in putting compassion before criticism. Even when I thought I knew, I didn’t really know. I didn’t know that knowledge is not enough. I missed myself in diverting insight into encouragement to others before internalising it. Along the way I forgot that practice is key. Not just for the people I am uplifting, but most importantly for me. I can only serve this world after I have rested in what I have to give. I have wasted too much focus on the falseI know that to be weaved in love and spread light consists still of protecting my energy from those who  do not know how to receive it. From those who drain it. It is knowing what, when and to whom to give.  I am thankful for those who understand me. I am thankful for those who may not entirely understand but try to and still give me love anyway. I am thankful for those who accept me. I am thankful for those who remind me to laugh. I am thankful for those who choose to see the best in me, despite my shortcomings. I am thankful for those who in my utter, magical madness, allow me to be. Few, but that is all I need. I am thankful for the artists, poets, musicians, spiritual teachers, doers, go-getters who have paved the way by giving their gifts to the world.

 I enjoy living wholeheartedly. When experiences threaten to harden my heart, I now know to not give in so easy. I am giving myself permission to feel, heal, speak, be. I am protecting my thoughts, energy, love, space, peace. I am finally catching my breath. I am valid–in all my glory, by my own standing.

If you truly know me, you have no choice but to love me. (That is the rhetoric in my mind and heart now. It’s all in affirmation ey 😀 ) I never did see it like this before. I moved expecting dislike rather than like, hate rather than love. No wonder it all felt so paradoxical. Trying to move in love but not feeling worthy of the same in return. It cannot work. I now know that you cannot give without reserve what you feel you do not deserve. I now know that you can only live from the inside out. The outside in will always, without fail, leave you drained.

Truth is, I am truly happy to be who I am. I am growing into the woman I have always wanted to be. I really just want to live and leave incredibly. I also quite simply, want to live a day at a time.

Perhaps the box has existed only in my mind. Regardless, it has existed. I cannot fit into this box anymore. My greatness is way too big to be contained by old lies and fake spaces.  I am ready to complete my sentences. If for nothing else, for me. For God. For my family. For my loved ones. For those who believe in me. For a friend who inspired me to live a life of colour.

Love and Love,

Nyambura.

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Wangari Muchori says:

    Go nyams.
    Your writing is very thought provoking.
    Coffee date soon?:-*

    Like

    1. Thank you Wangari! Yes, soon as I’m back home 🙂

      Like

  2. lynkahinga says:

    🤗 this one has to be my fave! You’ve inspired raw honesty and acceptance in me 👏🏾👏🏾
    Go Nyambura! ✊🏽

    Like

    1. Lyno! Yaaas, so glad to hear that girl!

      Like

  3. Njeri says:

    This is amazing!!

    Like

  4. manflatplusme says:

    love this, really enjoyed reading this and you will inspire many with your awesome posts x

    Like

    1. Glad to hear! Thank you so much 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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