I am a big believer in the universe. Timing. Energy. God.
Did I just write big? Pardon me, huge. Pretty sure they carry the same meaning but huge feels right.
Just like writing. Writing feels so right. Vanilla ice-cream on a hot summer’s day right.
Despite feeling right, it has not felt great in a long time. Two, maybe three months of burying myself in my sheets when I publish a post. More than slightly cringing when I read something that I gave so much heart to. Besides writing, creating in all its glory has felt so foreign; so alien; so heart wrenching. I have reacquainted myself with pressure: from myself, comparison, others. The result of which has been an endless sea of self doubt, coupled with outward smiles and only the most confusing of spaces.
In all my disquietude, I forgot almost everything I know. Because, pressure. Don’t get me wrong, pressure can be an impelling force of motivation but you really have got to have a healthy relationship with yourself, your gifts and God for it to be so. Otherwise, it stands as a crippling distraction.
There are a number of things unfolding that I am truly excited about but for as long as I have considered others’ definitions of accomplishment, I haven’t allowed myself to celebrate my victories; small and large alike. Worse still, I haven’t been able to get off my ass and channel all I’ve got into building a better life for myself. I have been half assing everything. In my undoing, I am re-learning myself. Re-assessing past hurt and lessons learnt. Re-applying myself to living wholeheartedly.
I am laughing a lot more not because the storm is over, #noRKelly, but because I am learning to dance in the rain. Not merely in speech, conversation and blogposts, but in deed. And despite it feeling like a struggle, I am no longer drowning in my thoughts; which is more than I can say for the past few months.
We all have different paths. We are journeying differently. Trying to pander to everyone else’s perceived or actual expectations of yourself is a one way ticket to exhaustion. Running away from your struggle and being afraid of making mistakes is the quickest way to miss opportunities. Defining who you are according to your gifts, work, numbers is en route to damaging your self worth. The greatest mistake however, is imagining that faith is a thing of the good times; leaving God out.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Cliche? Yes. True? Yes.
You really have got to trust yourself: mistakes, flaws, let downs, rejections, victories and all. You really have got to trust your journey. You really have got to know who you are outside of what you do. You really have got to know whose you are to follow through.
Five stand out affirmations for me, currently:
- Create like no one knows your name. Do not attach who you are to what you do: thin line, fat difference.
- God is with you and that is your greatest qualification. Halleluyaaah!
- Life should be lived largely on your terms. Believe in your own hype. Build a space that is strictly for you and God. No doubters (including loved ones and the voices in your head), no debbie downers, no feigned energy.
- The moment you have the audacity to start believing in the not-yet-seen, your reality will begin to shift. Change your thinking first and then the evidence appears.
- You cannot cheat the universe into giving you what you have to work for.
Love and Love,